Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
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