Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Randomize
