My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Randomize
