i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
