smell my finger.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
