I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
