I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
