It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
you will always have a special place in my vag
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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