My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
