mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
