using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Lo siento on account of my penis...
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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