She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
