It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
