Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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