Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
