four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
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