I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
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Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
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I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
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