Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
