What a fucking waste of an outfit
this beer tastes like vomit already
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
