this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
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My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
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Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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