In the future we'll all be gay
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
