I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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