i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
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