Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
There are leaves in my underwear?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
