if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
