giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
