he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
You may now shotgun with the bride
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
