I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Randomize
