I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
You ever have a fart follow you around?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
