You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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