she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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