From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
