i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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