I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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