I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
