apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
