I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
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