I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
not ubering you a puppy
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
