You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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