the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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