I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
