So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
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