I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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