Cold hands, warm shart.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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