So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Randomize
