I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
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I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
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Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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