They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
