dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
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Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
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If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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