I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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