I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
