Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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