I need to stop coming to work sober
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
