now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
A+ Viking dick
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
