I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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