her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
