Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Randomize
