can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
There was a lot of him and a little penis
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
