at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Just pee around me
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
